The Assumption Story
by FooFooCudlyPoops
Summary: "What is this!" Ron exclaimed. "Some kind of bloody foreplay!" Harry, who was much calmer than his friend, raised his eyebrows, "well this is awkward…" Ron and Harry stumble across a very awkward situation... Draco/Hermione if you squint
1. Chapter 1

A fun little thing I wrote because I was bored.

I thought of it because I was at a concert the other day and got a blister on my foot. When I got home I was trying to decide whether to pop it or not, and all of a sudden _this _flew into my head. When I read it over it sounds kind of rushed... But I hope you guys like it!

Hermione and Draco are sort of OOC... But in this story they're kind of friends... So they're not too mean to each other. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, sadly. -cries-

* * *

Ron sat in the common room, bored to death and hungry. Harry was sitting next to him, newspaper in his hands. Ron sighed pitifully and ran a hand through his shaggy red hair. "Do you know where Hermione is?" He asked, turning to Harry.

Harry glanced up at him over the paper, "I think she said she was going to study in the library."

Ron shook his head, that girl was _always _studying. "Want to go with me to find her then?"

Harry looked up again and inwardly sighed. This puppy dog following Ron had picked up was beginning to get on his nerves. He folded the paper and put it on the arm rest, deciding that a particularly juicy story about some quittich scandal could wait a few more minutes. Harry stood up and brushed his pants off. "Alright, let's go."

Ron smiled up at him and stood, turning in the direction of the library. "Off we go then!"

They made small talk as they walked, talking about quittich and their classes, and found that they both thought a certain Ravenclaw girl was a looker. As they entered the library they scanned the desks. No Hermione. Pavarti was sitting reading a thick book of creatures and Ron stepped up to her.

"Have you seen Hermione around here?" He asked a little awkwardly.

Pavarti shook her head, not even looking up at Ron. "She might have gone to the back, though. I wasn't looking."

"Well, thanks," Ron said and when he turned back around to Harry he gave him a funny look.

Harry smiled and the two of them began making their way around the library. They were about to turn back around when they heard a very familiar voice. Draco Malfoy.

Ron turned to Harry. "_Malfoy?_" He whispered harshly, "in a _library?" _

"I don't know why you asked _me_, Granger. Especially here. Why don't you just go to the infirmary? I'm sure they'll give you something to… do whatever it is you need to have done." Draco said, voice as arrogant as his face must have looked.

Harry and Ron turned to each other. _Hermione_ was there? With _Malfoy_? They crept behind the isle of book shelves to better hear the conversation.

"- I don't know, Malfoy. It's just really bothering me." Hermione was saying.

"Well go to the infirmary! I don't have time to help you with your body problems!"

Harry and Ron exchanged another look, beginning to get worried.

"Can you just pop it? Please, Draco? I won't ask you for anything ever again, just please do this for me." Hermione whined.

Ron blanched.

"Why don't you ask your little friends, Potter and Weasly?" Draco scoffed, "maybe they'll even do it _together_."

Both Ron and Harry shot straight up, looking at each other with wide eyes.

"We'll I would but they're not here… Come on, Draco, be a sport." And then they heard her laugh and say sarcastically, "I'm sure you've been wanting to touch me _forever_- now's your chance."

"Well Granger," Draco sneered, "I was _thinking _about doing it for you, but after that I don't think I will."

They heard footsteps, like Draco was walking away, and just as his profile came into view he stopped and was dragged backwards. "I'm sorry." Hermione said.

There was shuffling as Draco righted his cloak and then silence. "Alright fine, I'll do it."

Hermione clapped, "thank you!"

"I don't know why you can't just use your wand, though…" Draco mumbled.

There was more shuffling and two thuds as the students took off their cloaks. "I don't know any spells for that… It's not exactly my field…"

Ron began walking out of the isle and Harry grabbed him, pulling him backwards with a sharp tug.

"Alright then, Granger, how do you want to do this?" Draco said.

There was silence as Hermione thought. "Well, might as well do it here… Do you want me to sit down?"

Ron scrunched up his face, "on a library _floor?"_ He whispered, seemingly terrified.

"It'll be easier if you get on your back," Draco replied, "and I don't want any of your juices getting on me…"

Harry looked mortified.

"Don't be such a baby, Malfoy." Hermione retorted, and you could practically see her eyes rolling. There was more shuffling. "Is it going to hurt?" Hermione asked softly.

"Probably," Draco replied. "Alright, move your legs and let's get this over with."

Ron, who couldn't take anymore, sprinted out of their hiding place and into the isle where Malfoy and Hermione were.

"Ron, no!" Harry yelled, barely missing his cloak. He jumped up and ran after him.

When they entered the isle what they saw was far from what they expected. Hermione was on her back the floor with her cloak folded up under her head, one leg up in the air with her foot pressed into Draco's stomach. Draco was holding her foot, a little safety pin in his hands. Both, though, were fully clothed, much to Harry's relief.

"What is _this?_" Ron exclaimed. "Some kind of bloody foreplay?"

Harry, who was much calmer than his friend, raised his eyebrows, "well this is awkward…"

Draco, seeing an opportunity to mess with them, took Hermione's foot with both hands, dropping the safety pin to the floor, and began to massage it. "What's wrong, Weasly? Mad because I'm closer to shagging your little girlfriend then you've been in four years?"

Ron began cursing at Draco, who in turn, cursed back, smugly winning their argument. Hermione yanked her foot out of Draco's hands and stood up, blushing profusely.

"Hermione," Harry started, "what's all this about?"

"Well…" She said, glancing at Draco. "I went on a little walk yesterday and I got this… well this _thing_," she motioned to the foot Draco was previously holding, "on my foot."

Harry inspected it and then turned back to Hermione. "Hermione… that's a blister. You should know what a_ blister_ is."

Hermione's face flushed red again. "I.."

Draco draped an arm around her shoulders. "Why don't you just tell them that you were looking for a good shag- I mean we all know that was what was really going on."

Hermione shrugged out of his grip and elbowed him in the stomach, then bent down to pick up her cloak. "Well I had best be going to the infirmary. See you around, Harry," she looked at Ron, "Ron." And then she was gone.

The three stood silently for a minute staring at each other.

"You're a bloody foul pervert, Malfoy." Ron said, crossing his arms over her chest.

Draco smirked, "don't be a sorry loser, Weasly. When she gets enough of me she'll go back to you." Draco picked up his robe from the ground and flashed the boys a smile that wasn't at all friendly. "But I wouldn't hold your breath." Then he turned and walked out of the isle.

Harry and Ron looked at each other. "I'm going to kill him…" Ron mumbled.

Harry patted his friend on the back, still not at all sure what had just happened. "One day Ron, one day."

* * *

So- what did _you _think they were doing behind the bookshelf?


	2. Epilogue

A/N

I know you guys were all excited like "ooh! Another chapter! Heck _YES_!" and before you get cho' read on I have a favor to ask…

I am utterly blank of ideas. Is there any situation you'd like to see played out? Anything funny you'd like to read? Cute, scary, romantic, corny, CRAZY?- because I _will _write it. Give me an idea, a scenario, even a freaking _line of dialogue _and I will turn it into a oneshot.

I am begging- begging! /_gets down on knees_/ _Begging_. It doesn't even have to be for Harry Potter. Anything! /_hopes you see how desperate she is_/ I _will _write it. And If I don't know much about it I'll look it up! Verse myself in it!

I have an itch to write but everything I type is gibberish. I have ideas but they go nowhere. I have thoughts and scripts and scenes playing in my head but when I try to put them into words on my computer they just- _poof_, disappear.

This is an S.O.S! _HELP!_

And because you read this I have squeezed out more Draco/Hermione, The Assumption Story epilogue. It's got bit of sentimentality to it, but it still has its laughs. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I _still_ do not own Harry Potter. /sighs heavily/

* * *

Hermione groaned, sliding down to the ground with her back against the cool stone wall. They were close. Harry and Ron were so close to finding out. Her head flopped down to rest against her knees. She'd have to be more careful next time.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear the footsteps coming down the hall. "Granger?"

Hermione looked up and into the eyes of Draco Malfoy. A blush crept across her face as he sat down next to her, legs crossed. He ran a hand through his blond hair and stared intently at the far wall.

Hermione rolled her eyes, "what are you doing here?"

"Well I thought I'd check on you," Draco replied snidely.

"Aren't you afraid of being seen with a mudblood?" Hermione asked, her tone of voice matching his.

"Only in public." He said, looking back at her out of the corner of his eye with a smile.

Hermione huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, and then decided it would just be better if she left. She stood up, brushing off her skirt. "Good bye, Draco."

He was annoying like that, Hermione thought, walking down the hall. He was sweet to her one second, talking to her like she was a real person, smiling even, occasionally. And then he would turn into the arrogant, egotistical, foul mouthed Malfoy he was around everybody else. She briefly wondered if he was that way _all the time_, and if he was, did he have any _real _friends, or were they just the ones he recruited?

Before Hermione could turn the corner hands were on her waist, pulling her back into a warm chest. "I'm sorry." He said.

Hermione turned her head to look at him, eyebrows furrowed in frustration. "You say that every time- I'm really starting to wonder if it means anything."

Draco turned her around, hands on her shoulders, "it does… Hermione I'm just, well-"

"You're an ass." Hermione finished for him, crossing her hands over her chest.

Draco's face scrunched up, like he was trying to hold back some foul reply, and then he smiled. "Yes… I am."

Hermione tapped her foot impatiently, trying her hardest not to melt right into those beautiful gray eyes of his. "So… what? Is that it?"

Draco stuttered, "w-well, I don't know! What else am I supposed to say? Usually we'd be snogging by now and I wouldn't have to say anything!"

Hermione rolled her eyes and slapped his hands away, broken out of her trance. There he goes again… "Draco you are a rude, selfish prat, and I hope the next time you have sexual relations with a girl you get herp-"

Suddenly his hand was over her mouth, shushing her. "Someone's coming," he said, panicking.

"Then let me go!" Hermione mumbled through his hand.

Draco wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her over to the wall, "the closet!"

Hermione went stiff, then began flailing, pulling Draco's hand off her mouth as he dragged her towards the wooden door. "The _closet_?" She shrieked. "Draco Malfoy let me go this instant!"

Draco flung open the door and shoved Hermione in before him. "Go, go, go!" He whispered harshly, and once she was inside he shut the door behind them, hearing it 'click' as they were thrown into darkness. Draco turned around, he couldn't see his hand in front of his face. "Hermione!" He whispered. "Where are you?"

From a corner there was some rustling. "I hate you," Hermione said, clearly not amused.

"I think the door's locked," Draco replied, ignoring her comment.

"Well why don't you use your wand?" Hermione's voice rang across the closet. Her tone was dangerous and Draco began to sweat.

"That's what I'm doing," Draco said, covering for the fact that he hadn't thought of it himself. He felt around in his pockets. "Uh-oh…" and around in his cloak. "I seem to have misplaced it."

Hermione groaned. "Great, that's just bloody _great_ Malfoy, you big idiot."

"Well why don't you use _your_ wand?" Draco suggested, sneering.

"I left it in my room."

Draco began banging on the door. "Hey! Hheeyy!" He yelled.

Neville Longbottom walked through the empty halls of Hogwarts, on his way to his room, when he heard banging. Neville cocked his head to the side and stopped, listening. It sounded like it was coming from the closet down the hall.

"Ugh, Draco, hit it harder!"

Neville stopped in his tracks.

"I'm trying! It's just so bloody dark in here- I can't see where I'm aiming."

_Bang, bang, bang, bang_ .

"You're not doing it right."

Was that _Hermione?_ Neville stepped closer to the door. With _Draco Malfoy?_

"How would you know?" Draco sneered.

"Because I'm smarter than you." Hermione replied tartly.

"Yeah, I'm sure you do this _all _the time- Ouch! That's a sensitive area, Hermione!"

"You're not going hard enough- you have to angle it like this and then- there!" _Bang. _" See, right there."

Neville felt the heat running to his face.

"Ohh," Draco piped up, "right there?" _Bang. _

"Yes, now hit it again and this time put your back into it! That wood's hard enough."

This time the bang echoed off the halls and Neville jumped slightly. _What_ was going on in there?

"Mmm, see, that was better," he heard Hermione say.

"I felt that all over. What do you call that? That tingly sensation?" Draco asked.

Neville choked.

"It's called good work- now get back to it."

_Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, BANG._

"Fuck!" Draco yelled, and _that _was when Neville fainted.

"Oh, look!" Hermione said cheerily. "I found my wand!"

With a few quick words the door to the closet swung open and the duo walked out. Hermione smiled, looking at her wand as if it were a basketful of kittens. Draco stood behind her, cradling his right hand. They didn't notice Neville, slowly regaining consciousness.

"I think it's broken!" Draco gasped.

"Well go to the infirmary!" Hermione replied, ignoring his pain.

"Only if you come with me." Draco grumbled.

"I'm not showing up with you in the infirmary!" Hermione put her hands on her hips, "Oh, sorry to bother you Madame Pomfrey, Draco broke this when we were the closet together-"

"-OK, OK, I get it!" Draco said. He turned and began walking down the hall. "Never speak of this!"

"Not a problem!" Hermione chirped back at him. She turned, deciding a good quiet read in the library would be nice, and promptly tripped over a rosy cheeked Neville Longbottom.

Neville scrambled up, helping Hermione up as she gaped at him. "Neville? How long have you been there?"

"Don't worry!" Neville said, possibly more embarrassed as Hermione. "I didn't see anything!" He turned and sprinted off.

Hermione shook her head, clearing away the surprise. "Well," she mumbled to herself, "what a day." Then she turned and walked back the way she came, wondering if, possibly, she could erase this whole crazy day from her memory.

* * *

After I scraped through the first page and the funny finally came out I got into it. R&R! And don't forget- ideas! xD


	3. BuzzCat Prompt

Wwhhaaattt? This isn't another chapter of The Assumption Story?

Sorryx] I cheated.

Anywho- BuzzCat, your story prompt (a wonderful one, I might add) is now up and -does magical hand thingies- on my profile! Ooorrrr (if you insist on doing it some other way...)

www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net /s /6220924 /1 /Oh_Hufflepuff

without the spaces and, of course, the "(dot)" is replaced with actual periods.

I guess I'm making these separate stories because it's easier to write that way… (guess you'll just have to Author-Alert me.. tee hee)

_**GO FORTH AND ENJOY!**_

-hugs and kisses-,

FooFooCudlyPoops


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